Dear Heart,

WHY HIM?

So there's this boy, and he'll never know how much he means to me. & it's one of those awkward moments where I go, like, '' OH NO! '' ; I'm in love with him.

Dang! My brain's screwed up beyond all repair. Well, it is no secret that the best thing about secrets is secretly telling someone your secret. Thereby, I'm basically adding another secret to my secret collection of secrets, secretly.

Okay, I mean, people these days ... when you say one thing to them, and then BAM! the whole world knows. Le sigh. However, we all need that one person in our lives who we can tell everything to and trust with our lives. Otherwise, life becomes so lonely and painful. & that is exactly why, I write - because no one listens.

Oh, well.

Guy friends are always the best. They're hilarious, cool, and fun to hang out with. Until of course, you start to like one. Like, seriously. I wake up every morning now and say '' I don't like him anymore '', then the next day I see him and that gorgeous smile, and the feelings I had before comes back all over again.

-

Y'know ; I've been told that I'm pretty good at fixing everyone else's problem, but I'm always being lost when it comes to myself. As a matter of fact, when it comes to relationships or such issues ; also, including the fact that I have never been on a proper date before.

Loving a person that does not love you back is like watching a star you can't reach. Err, almost like a never-ending war between your head and your heart. It's like, you just keep sinking a little deeper into your pool of misery everyday and nobody even sees it.

It's much easier to be with someone you can't love, than to admit you love someone you can't have. & you know what sucks about falling for a guy you're not right for? You fall anyway because you think this time it might turn out to be different. It sucks even more to know that you need to let go, but you can't - because you're waiting for the impossible to happen.

I've been told - If you do not go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you do not ask, the answer will always be no. If you do not step forward, you'll always be in the same place.

I must not let it affect me.

I must not let it affect me.

I must not let it affect me.

I must not let it affect me.

I must not let it affect me.

I must not let it affect me.

I must not let it affect me.

I must not let it affect me.

I must not let it affect me.

I must not let it affect me.


it's affecting me

P / S : Lust for ink. An anchor on my wrist, perhaps?

Serious & Mysterious

As you can probably already tell, I have been clearly neglecting my blog way too much. I suppose I've been caught up with life. Or been too busy tryna catch up with life. Either way, I've had about a thousand of ideas on what to write about earlier - except, there is a saying ; too much of anything will make you sick. Or whatever it is along those lines.

I've been staying up all night staring into space considering all the possible negative consequences of myself getting a boyfriend before I actually zonked off. I swear I would have probably twisted and turned in bed, not knowing what to do. & of course, struggling very hard to come to terms with the complete helplessness thought of my current situation.

Year 2 and I'm back to where I don't belong - with a heavier heart this time. I'll be honest with you, my head is just filled with futile thoughts, and I am now starting to feel emotionally ill. Ugh! I just hope it gets better as it goes. For the love of God and for the sake of my education, I'll get through this.

I remember how my first year (last year) turned out a tad bit of a disaster. I came all the way from Malaysia ; excited about all the angles and prospects of myself actually taking one step forward to making my dream come true - minus the idea of how medical academics in general sends 'em chills down my spine and how I still shudder at the thought of it.

I remember having the worst mix of emotions before I left. I remember when the first term began, I was a pretty good student ; tryna bond with the seniors, asking loads of associated questions, and definitely not sleeping during lectures. Also, I remember having an immensely hard time asserting my identity in an entirely foreign environment, which I later learnt that I don't quite like. Nor fit in.

By the start of 2011, I was pretty sure that I wasn't sure of anything anymore. All I wanted to do was only to focus on something real here ; education. Yes, the reason I was here in the first place - to get an education.

Tutorials and cases, one after another ; just like that. I could hardly remember how the year went. & even worse, I don't know if I've put in enough effort in doing the right thing to strike the right balance. Le sigh. I mean, I am a little paranoid about my results. Hence, going by that measure ; I have to say, Year 1 has been a bit of a waste. I looked at my grades, and it was a little disappointing. 

Oh well, I know I've had an awesome year while it lasted. Or so, at least I'm trying to convince myself that I did. I was just looking through some photos I took throughout the year and thought I could have done better with my hair.

-

I don't know and I'm still unsure if Year 2 is going to be on my side, because I know for a fact that I am gonna be falling into pits of misery and depression throughout the entire year. Again. However, I did promise myself that I will most certainly try my level best to be happy (and to not give up while I'm at it).

P / S : I like spending my time slacking around. Travelling around and having some good ol' English breakfast and being a lovable pest to my parents while I'm at it. I mean, my party time is usually a lunch or a dinner party with my family. & friends. I don't give a fuck about going to clubs. I want to have a really good time just talking and catching up, because I like having a really good time just talking and catching up.

& so, I did. Arcades, FTW! Cheers.

Structured Settlement

I got hitched with a pretty boy 3 years ago whom I have befriended for almost 5 years now, over a social networking site. Where did it all start? Friendster, I should say. We connected with a handful of mutual friends we shared. Random inbox messages gradually led to text messages in a year.

School and life got into the way as I was busy growing up as an adolescent. Somewhere in between, I got reconnected via Facebook. A couple of my good friends feasted on him as an eye candy. I couldn't agree more. He was a carbon copy of Enrique Iglesias.

At one point, I was on a texting spree with him. My motive of hooking him up with my girlfriend never happened. & I never knew this boy would then be my next loverboy. I have to shamelessly admit that I dated him, without my parents' consent - almost without anyone's consent at all. I loved the adrenaline rush I got. The butterflies that fluttered in my stomach when I am at all near him. I felt rebellious dating my friend's eye candy. As much as I loved it, the tinge of guilty pang never failed to hit me in the face each time I landed my sight on him or even verbally hear his name. You should see my head turn.

Life was a momentary bliss for me. I had an unusual flood of text messages each and every day. Good morning texts to random texts on a busy weekday. Phone calls that led to sleep-deprivation, and rocketing cellphone bill for him. I felt the pinch even though I was never the one to call.

Our dates only consisted of coffee in the evening in Starbucks and random walks around the mall with my good friends, never a movie date or posh dinner on our own or a stroll in Singapore like any other couples. He insists on tagging along while I shop, even in the nearest boutique over at my place as well as to watch over me as I have a game of badminton with my friends in an abandoned playground. Honestly, I wouldn't call it all dating though - because I have never been on my own with him.

I never liked holding hands, and the thought of kissing just drains my soul. I was thankful for the fact that he never reverted my mind into any sexual activities at all. The only physical contact I ever had, would be him holding my hand while I crossed the road. I just, didn't want more. I didn't wanna play silly games.

He did it all in a small portion. We took it slow and steady, because it involved way too much emotions and feelings for me to handle. I saw the commitment he had towards the relationship. We talked this over, and he met my mother. He introduced me to his family as well, and I thought this was indeed a good sign.

We had our ups and downs too. I never suspected him of having an illegal relationship at all ; but just as a precaution, I always had an eye open hoping I'd never get cheated in the name of love. However, life has to go on because of yesterday's mistakes. I'm beginning to think that the inanity might not be worth such a lengthy discussion after all.

I was then dumb, and now duped.

I am definitely not expecting comments, and definitely not sympathy - but I do expect all that hurt to be read and understood by anyone who's reading ; I lost the love I loved the most.

I now welcome you, to Heartbreak City.

-

You've been ignoring me, why?

No, I didn't.

You didn't bother telling me you have a new girlf now.

Well, now you know. It was just recent.

You always said, you'd tell me. That is why I was disappointed. I didn't know you moved on, that fast.

Hmmm.

I bet she offered you whatever I didn't.

Yeah. She did.

What did I not offer, that she did?

Why must I tell you?

I wanna learn from my mistakes? I don't wanna end up being dumped all over again. One heartbreak is enough.

You're not my type. That's why. I didn't feel that you were the right one for me, get it? I hope you can move on, because I did.

You decide to tell me I'm not your type, after 3 years? Alright. I'll buy that. I am tryna move on. I just need time, I suppose.

As for me, I only liked you. Nothing more than that. I know it's 3 years, but it was just a friend-to-friend thing.

You came over to see me, meet and greet my family and friends, and whatsoever for 3 years ; and we were only friends? You gotta be kidding me!

Oh, come on.

No seriously, I have no intention of bugging you. I'm just so curious! I envy you for being able to move on, but I just wanted to know ... it was all fake then?

Something like that. Do you understand? It wasn't just you that I knew at that point. There were many other girls who kept bugging me too.

T'was all fake? The never-ending phone calls and all? Dying to meet-up with me and all?

Maybe I just missed you at that point, but ...

But?

It didn't mean that I wanted to be yours. I drew a line between us already. I'm sorry for everything.

All the pain and hurt has caused enough damage.

You were just not my type.

Well, not your type, but why? & where else did I go wrong?

Just leave it. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I can only answer up until there. You'll find someone else. You're a good girl. I'm just too bad to be your boyf. 

Yeah sure. Be it then. You have a great life ahead. It was indeed a good run, and all the best in your future undertakings alright?

All the best to you too!

Thank you!

-

Yeah, it's over. The game's over.

You're not my type.

U MAD?

Mixed Emotions

Apologies and sorry about the lack of updates. I've been having a go at myself trying to gather my thoughts on the series of unfortunate events for the past few weeks. I've been meaning to write something here for some time now, really. It's just that every single time I try to start off with a random introduction to a seemingly interesting post, I begin to think my none of my reasons for ranting deserves any form of sympathy nor attention at all. I don't know why I come here and decide to post all the emotion I have been hiding and wouldn't actually wanna show the rest of the world.

I am currently at a stage of life where I am different to almost everyone. I take everyday as it goes, and now everyday just seems like another chance for myself at getting something right. There always seems to be something to be corrected, each and every other passing days.

I often feel unhappy about being unhappy. I occasionally feel so tired, but not just physically. I wouldn't say mentally either. I mean, I'm just not too sure myself. Therefore, instead of focusing on the etiology of my stress - I always end being repelled by how pathetic my imaginations always are. I don't know. Maybe it's just stress?

Well, we all do go through trying times ; don't we?


Basically, I've been falling off track for some time. On and off. It's not exactly misery or depression. It is merely a state of blankness. I almost have no long-term plan anymore. There no objective in life either. I am becoming cynical about almost everything around me, only because I don't see the meaning in anything anymore.

I want to live a proper life for myself, but all I ever happen to do is to depend on everyone else's perceptions. Live up to everyone else's expectations. Tied to everyone else's decisions and choices. Living life has become nothing but an obligation.


Right about now, I am who people make me out to be.

Times like these, all I want to do is crawl into my mother's arms and sleep on her lap ; because when I tell her that I don't know what to do and what I've had done, she will say it's okay and that I will be okay.

Optimistic Pessimist

Sometimes I feel that my life is pretty empty. The emptiness hurts my head and makes me wanna cry for no valid reason at all. As tears roll down my cheeks, it makes me even sadder - almost as though crying itself was a tragedy, and it makes me tear even more than ever.

While I still have some heart left before I merely turn into a walking corpse, I would like to remind myself why I have ended up in this frustratingly complex and complicated yet beautiful field of career.

No, it most certainly has nothing to do with earning big buck. Really.

Alright, no. I haven't exactly been corrupted by my studies just yet. I have been drastically elevated to a mental state where the absolute concept of differentiating between right and wrong no longer governs my conscience.

In simpler words, it is no longer existent.

-

It's funny how I sometimes feel desperately helpless and confused as the days go by. I don't even speak or think with the sort of clarity I used to have. Every few weeks or so, I go into a shut-down mode and feel like I'm the only person living in the whole universe. The one and only person helping myself from some sort of despair. It makes me feel sick and disappointed and that I've had enough. I mean, what in the world was I thinking when I decided to major in MD?

In this case, exclude my ever-loving parents. Thankyouverymuch.

Honestly, my attitude towards Science in primary school and Biology throughout upper secondary could be best described as passion.

I suppose I've always felt guilty about my under-performance as the only daughter in school - also in relation to the amount of sacrifices my parents have made in their lives to bring me up. My parents were always there for me, through good and through trying times - but sometimes it seems to me that they must have a different life that I didn't know about, in the world of adults.

My parents have invested both financially and mentally into my education. It gets me thinking at times - do my parents ever regret devoting almost the past two decades of their lives to myself?

I have solemnly come to the conclusion that they must have, at some point. I mean, I am perfectly imperfect. To be honest, I can be quite an unappreciative and ungrateful brat at times.

Sigh. It feels incredibly stupid to reminiscence about the past. I admit it, I was young and dumb. It's never too late to change for the better, isn't it? There is definitely no use crying while being sprawled on the floor in pain after aiming so high.

I have to say, I am only facing these consequences with the choices I chose - on my own. No one pushed, but I jumped.

The Road Not Taken

My love for speed has been raised a bar higher. I gave it a go, I fell in love and now I definitely will not stop. Monster bikes do give you the maximum adrenaline rush. Proven.

On the other hand, I am now convinced that I lack an intense amount of knowledge on Physics. Oh, well.

-Question and answer session has never been better.

• 
  

  Tom Sawyer 
  

  Q1...Whether is it necessary for a pillion rider to hold tight on to the rider at top speed....
  
  
  Firstly,u as a passenger on a bike,play an active role on the quality of the bike ride,especially at high speeds,corners and turns.When accelerating,ur body will be thrown backwards which is due to inertia.If at all,the rider applies the brakes,the momentum of ur body will throw ya forward.And the biker would be adjusting the center of gravity to keep the m-cycle upright.So when u are shifting or wiggling too much at the back seat,you are actually shifting your weight here n thr so to say dat u r making da bike to imbalance.Dat was fyi...cumin to ur q just now....remember the handle bar at the rear behind u,it is given to u so that u can grab on ta dat rail because at high speeds,the turbulent wind current might shake u off and if the biker was to apply sudden brake or take a pikang mayb,u will be surely thrown off if u dun get something to hold on with...either clinging on to the rider,or grab hold of the rail behind the rear seat would do.....it is a must!!!

  
  

  'bout 7 turn o' yer hourglass ago · 
• 
  

  Tom Sawyer Q2....Why the eyes start to water when the wind hits.....
  
  Wind can dry out your eyes and when it dries,dust or other foreign shit might damage your eyes....so its a mode of protection,to keep your eyes ever moist,tears will flow over.....*i'm just guessing it over....u r a doc,so u might noe bout dis in detail* =)
  

  'bout 7 turn o' yer hourglass ago · 
• 
  

  Tom Sawyer Q3....If at all u dun cling on to ur rider,is there possibilities of the rider losing control....
  
  Grabbing hold on the rider's waist will make it easier for u to steady urself and keep your body inline with the rider....its a top priority when riding on a bike,n if u dun do so,the possibilities of u being thrown away like a pie is higher!!!! =)
  

  'bout 7 turn o' yer hourglass ago · 
• 
  

Come At Me

I'm dead beat at the moment. I am no longer a fan of Inderalaya anymore. Each and every trip to Layo just drains the fuck outta  me. I suppose everyone else is tired as well, so I'm just gonna refrain myself from making up further excuses for myself.

Fake it until you make it - Almost everyone here dances to the tune of hypocrisy. I've learnt that being genuine isn't exactly the most efficient solution. It often triggers me, what exactly am I doing here?

I don't know why I'm always here blogging outta interest, and spill almost all my emotion in a single post. That is definitely something I wouldn't exactly want the others here to know. Blogging doesn't quite solve the problem, neither does it make me feel any better. I don’t expect comments or any sort of consoles, but I do expect all that hurt to be read and understood by anyone who’s reading this.

I’ve chose to type it all out, because I’m not too sure on how to explain how sad or mentally and physically tired I am at the moment - without having to reveal why, what, when and how. My emotions are not merely blog material, neither are they merely words. Oh well, most of which I myself am not very sure of in the first place.

I just wanna say that I’ve had enough of certain things.

Look how I was back then, and look at me now. This is why I didn’t give up. I want to articulate my confusion properly, because I don’t want to sound like just another regular person having a bad day. Or like some ungrateful brat who isn’t aware of the worse things that are happening around the world. Quote earthquake and tsunami.

Some people will probably see all this as the emo, anti-social kid act and figure that I’ll get over the phase soon enough. In fact, maybe I will. It’s easy to get lost and wallow in self-pity without doing anything about it, until you get bored and everyone else gets sick of trying to help you without much success.

Anyhow, I’m not exactly sure what the point of this post is. It’s just another physical manifestation of whatever’s playing out in my head at the moment. I wanted to say what I mean, but instead I just went around in circles and am now back at where I started.

I clearly don't know.

All the confusion, doubt, pain and frustration - I want to pull them all out. Oh well. Just ignore me. I'm sad, and I will make you sad. 

Just give me happiness - pure and simple, the determination to understand, wisdom to do the right thing, courage to speak my mind, true friendships that will last, and the complete opposite of whatever I feel when I get up every morning. I don't wanna be the one anymore. I don’t know. This is my stress-relief idea. I’d like a break from being myself for a week or so.

Dear haters, I think it’s time you get your shit together. And yes, the crudeness was intentional.

Cheers.